Saturday, January 13, 2018

Packers Nix Mausoleum. Maybe They’ll Consider These Ideas.

Mark Murphy was recently asked if the Packers would consider building a mausoleum at Lambeau for fans to leave their ashes. On top of a new revenue stream for the “plots,” this would encourage even more traffic inside the stadium and Pro Shop.

While Murphy seems to have rejected the idea for the moment, we couldn’t help but be inspired to come up with some other potential business ideas for the Packers organization (you’re welcome in advance). Of course, if you’re only interested in the big game, check out these up-to-date odds for Super Bowl 52As of Jan 8th, the Vikings (+375) are the favorites to face the Patriots (+200).


The Shareholder Action Figure

If Barbie can come out with a doll that has cellulite, stretch marks, acne and tattoos (seriously!), why can’t the Packers come out with a fan action figure? The next time I go to the Packers Pro Shop, I want to see a dang action figure in the mold of Geoff Largefan or the Bikini Girls. Just imagine little Johnny watching the game with his Geoff Largefan action figure, yelling at the TV, “Oh come on, McCarthy. What are you DOING?!” Nothing is more representative of an authentic NFL fan. I could easily image an array of tiny plastic accessories: the tailgate package, orange camo winter game gear, the mini beers, the cheesehead, etc. The profitable possibilities are endless.

Packers Tattoo Parlor

Go ahead, tell me how this won’t work. You have diehard fans experiencing their Packers nirvana at Lambeau Field and pumped to the gills with Miller Lite. The line would be out the door with Packer fans waiting to get a template of Bart Starr on their shoulder blades or “PACKERS 4 EVA” on their chests. The shop’s Instagram account alone would have millions of followers. The only problem will be having enough tattoo artists on hand. I know what you’re saying: STOP MAKING SENSE, RANTER!

Do not fear good ideas, Packers.

Packers Salon (or Beauty Parlor as Grandma Hillside would say)

Stop by 1265 for a quick trim or a massive makeover. Dreaming of updating that played out man-bun to a hip new bowl cut? Seen JLaw’s hot new bob hairstyle? Want to copy it sitting in the shadow of the giant Lombardi Trophy statue? Of course you do. A salon full of talented stylists are ready and waiting to provide you with a perfectly coiffed head of hair. What do all the Lambeau Field Luxury boxes do in the offseason? Well, now they could be filled with dryers blowing, scissors snipping and stylists chatting about the latest free agents who just stopped by a visit. Imagine getting “The Kramer” flat top looking out over historic Lambeau Field. Getting married at Lambeau, the bride and bridesmaids can get their hair done right on site. You love to really get into game day the jersey, the facepaint, the whole nine yards? What about a picking up a green and gold wig from the Pro Shop? You guessed it, made out of hair from fellow Packers fans and maybe even a player or coach (costs extra). When you sit down, who knows, you may even sit in a chair right next to Mike Pettine getting a straight razor head shave and a goatee trim. This is a cash cow, a hairy cash cow, Mr. Murphy.

Packers Meat Packing Plant (not just a clever name) or the Acme Meat Zone

This one is right #onbrand for the Green Bay PACKERS. Come to Lambeau Field and buy some meat! Fill your freezers, your fridges and your faces! The Packers have the perfect location, and it’s already conveniently named for meat! The Packers can repurpose the new Johnsonville Tailgate Zone building into a meat processing plant. Let’s be 100% honest with ourselves, no one wants to “tailgate” in a climate controlled building where you have to pay ten bucks for a beer instead of pulling an ice gold PBR tallboy out of your cooler. Tailgating inside is a damn oxymoron. You want a package of FRESH official Green Bay Packers bratwurst? Stop by the meat counter at the Pro Shop. Bill the Butcher will help you pick some out for your specific palate. After you’ve grilled up and devoured your meatfeast, you can stop by the Acme Meat Zone and take the tour to see how it was made. If you’re squeamish of stomach, I wouldn’t go before you have eaten.  

There’s a reason the saying goes: “see how the sausage is made”.
Bon appetite.

We eagerly await feedback from Mark Murphy and the Packers on these #innovative
proposals. (Our standard 80% finder’s fee and 55% royalties apply, but
we're very open to negotiations.)

Also, to Kurt with the mausoleum idea, you are welcome to write for the Ranter at any time. Any. Time.

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